


Goddamn Smart People

by chairchair



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, College AU, Computer Shenanigans, Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas (pale) - Freeform, Frottage, Humanstuck, Implied Jane Crocker/Roxy Lalonde, Implied Sollux Captor/Roxy Lalonde, M/M, Underage drinking (but just barely)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-22
Updated: 2013-11-01
Packaged: 2017-12-12 14:31:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/812634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chairchair/pseuds/chairchair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat has trouble in his web programming class and gets to be tutored by none other than the esteemed Sollux Captor. Wait, did you say esteemed? Just kidding, fuck that guy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Who needs curly braces anyway

**Author's Note:**

> Once upon a time while drunk I decided to write a Solkat fic. It contained exactly one line: "You have a lisp but somehow you're still hot at shit." 
> 
> I decided that someday I should probably expand on that and I guess today is that day. So yeah, welcome to my first homestuck fic. 
> 
> It's gonna go somewhere, I swear. 
> 
> I also post art and other shit at inimitable-nectar.tumblr.com

"This FUCKING CODE." You smash the keyboard angrily with a closed fist, causing the TA to look over in concern, but you pay him no mind. He doesn't understand the pain of these fucking cryptic-ass error messages like you do. 

"Dave," you whisper loudly to your left. He turns slowly towards you, his fingers still typing a closing tag as he squints behind his sunglasses in the dark room, looking completely unamused. "Dave help me please," you continue anyway. "I'm dying over here. How the FUCK can I have a stray curly brace on line 64 when that line DOESN'T EVEN HAVE ANY CURLY BRACES?" Dave shrugs unhelpfully.

"It happens dude. You should just turn it in, class is almost over." You let out an exasperated sigh, save your file, and drag it into the class dropbox. 

"These fucking labs will be the death of me, I swear."

"If you're so concerned, you should get a tutor, bro. This is a core class for the major, you can't really screw it up." 

"Or you could help me, because you're a kind and sympathetic best friend and all." Dave just laughs and closes his laptop. 

"I prefer to watch you suffer." You glare at him. "Jegus, fine, I'll send you my code later. Seriously though, if you can't figure this shit out, your ass will be toast for the final. And not the buttery kind of toast - I'm talking burnt to a black, shriveled little crisp here."

"Wow," you say sarcastically, stuffing your laptop into your bag as you both walk out into the hall, "thanks a heap for that metaphor. You sure know how to cheer a guy up." Dave gives you a smirk and a thumbs up and splits off from you to head off to his printmaking class or whatever the hell random VLPA he decided to take "ironically" this quarter. You're pretty sure he just likes art. As you go to round the corner in the opposite direction, you almost run into a guy coming out of your same classroom, from the other door. "Fuck," you say under your breath as you're forced to stop in your tracks to let him pass. "This fucking day."

The guy pauses and looks at you for a moment, blinking behind tinted lenses, and oh fuck, it's Sollux Captor, one of the second-year "superstars" in your major. One of those people who really should have been in Computer Science but wound up in your major, Informatics, for whatever reason, even though he's way above practically everyone in skill level. Hell, he could probably have dropped out of college a year ago and still snagged a 80k per year job. But of course you don't think he's really really, freakishly cool or anything. Please, you've never even talked to the guy. Shit...he's still looking at you, why is he looking at you, maybe you should say something?

"...So you're in this class?" Wow, brilliant Karkat, way to go, he didn't just walk out of the door or anything. And you certainly have never seen him in class before. Nope.

He tilts his head, as if he's wondering why you're talking to him, then smirks. "Well," he says, "it is a core class. I've been avoiding taking it just because it's such a waste of time, but I guess an easy 4.0 is an easy 4.0, right?" Wow, yeah, maybe the reason you've never talked to this guy is because he's actually kind of a dick? You're not too sure what to say to that.

"I...I dunno," you reply hesitantly, trying not to sound too affronted by his flippant dismissal of this FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE CLASS because you guess if anyone deserves to dismiss it, it's him, "I kind of have trouble with some of this shit." 

He tilts his head even further, pushing his bag up on his shoulder. "Like what?"

Oh great, and now you have to admit to the smartest fucking person in this major how incredibly dumb you are. "I guess I just have trouble keeping track of syntax for the different languages and stuff. And I fucking hate php."

He snorts. "Everyone hates php. It's the ugliest language in existence." You can't help laughing a little at that, though you try to keep it down. You're still pissed about the whole "easy 4.0" bit. You'll be lucky to pass this class at all. Your smile falters at that thought, and he peers at you thoughtfully.

"You were the one during class today who was freaking out about the curly brace error, right?" He has a bit of a lisp, you realize - you'd never heard him speak aloud long enough to notice. "I'm pretty sure I know what your issue is. If you want, I could help you out sometime." You stare at him as the words sink in. Did you hear that correctly? THE Sollux Captor is actually offering to help you? Maybe there's hope for you yet. And maybe he's not such a smug little bastard after all?

"Oh, uh, yeah, I mean, if you're not busy that would actually be...really fucking helpful," you respond, a bit flustered. "My friend Dave is actually pretty good at this shit too but he always refuses to help me. Asshole," you can't help but tack on, under your breath. Sollux smirks again.

"It seems like you might need help past this one session. I'm free Tuesdays and Thursdays at five if that works."

"Oh," you say, "like, tomorrow? Yeah, I mean, I guess that works." Sollux is going to be your full time web programming tutor. You can't believe this is happening. 

"Alright," he says, tapping it into his phone, "I'll meet you in the labs. By the way, that error you were getting? There's a really fucking easy fix. Maybe you can figure it out before tomorrow so we can start on the rest of your code that I already know is totally broken."

Just kidding, you take it all back. Fuck this guy.


	2. Also who needs emotions, fuck emotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, apparently people are actually reading this. That's cool.

The next day, you get to the student working labs five minutes early and peer around surreptitiously for a sign of Sollux. The labs are bustling with students, since it's at that point in the quarter when people are still actually trying to succeed in their classes and haven't yet completely lost hope. You see quite a few faces of dejection though, and you're sure it won't be long before the labs are nice and empty again. That is, until the end-of-the-quarter scramble, which is always a sight to behold. 

You suddenly hear your name being called from somewhere to your right. 

"Karkat! Hey! Get over here!" It's Dave, of course. You can't imagine Sollux greeting you so cheerfully - not that's it's typical for Dave to do so either, you concede. You head over cautiously, still looking around for Sollux. You wonder if you've missed him. But no, it's still early. 

"What are you doing in the labs?" you ask, pausing your scan of the room for a moment.

"I could ask the same of you," he says, giving you an eyebrow raise and a nudge with his elbow as you sit down in the adjacent chair. You shrug. "Come on, spit it out. Could it be that you actually listened to me and found a tutor? I'm so proud of you dude, I know you'd have to swallow your pride eventually and bend over for web programming's huge throbbing-"

"DUDE. Good fucking god, must you always speak so colorfully?" You rub your cheeks, conscious of the heat that's risen under your skin. "And fucking yes," you sigh, "I've found a tutor, okay?" 

Dave sits up straight in his chair. "Wait, SERIOUSLY? Who the hell is it? A second-year?"

You nod. "It's uh...Sollux Captor." You nearly whisper his name, feeling stupidly hesitant to say it out loud for whatever reason.

Dave snorts at you, and you stare at him, faintly offended. "No it's not, dude," he says. "Why the hell would he waste his time tutoring someone like YOU?"

"Wow, thanks-"

"And besides," he continues, "that's like a huge fucking deal. You wouldn't wait until NOW to tell me if it were seriously him. It's gotta be someone else, someone embarrassing. Some girl you have a crush on I bet-"

"I..."

"Oh shit, is it Roxy? I bet it's Roxy. You don't have to be embarrassed about that, man, we all think she's hot too, it's not like-"

"Okay!" you cut in, "okay, could you just hold it on the fucking Sherlockian deductions for a second, I mean good fucking FUCK Dave." He pauses and stares at you, obviously taken aback. "And another thing! Why is it that it's so fucking SURPRISING that he would want to tutor me, huh? Maybe he's a nice person! Maybe he sees my true potential and wants to help me realize it! I don't fucking know!" Dave lets out a little snort of laughter when you reach the part about realizing your potential, but you'll let that slide, you kind of find the idea ridiculous as well. It was a stretch.

"Well," he says, pushing up his shades and rubbing a hand over his face. "Okay then. Wow." You think this is one of the first times you've actually seen Dave at a loss for words, and you can't help but bite back a smile at it. You tend to be fairly well-matched in your arguments (which Dave prefers to call "discussions"), and they happen often, so it's nice to get the upper hand once in a while. If that's what you want to call it. Which you do.

"Anyway," you say awkwardly, breaking the silence, "it's like 5:05 or something now so I should probably look around for him I guess, I don't fucking know."

"Oh. Yeah, sure dude." You shoulder your backpack and turn to get up, but Dave blocks your path, looking at you suspiciously. "Wait a second, though," he says slowly. "Why DIDN'T you tell me right away? I assume you didn't just arrange this ten minutes ago or whatever."

Fuck. You were hoping he'd forgotten about that, and it's because you don't actually have an answer. You'd meant to tell him last night when you were talking online, you really had, but for some reason you got a twisting feeling in the pit of your stomach when you'd gone to type out the words, a feeling that suggested you'd rather keep it a secret. And you had no fucking idea why, but you just decided to go with it, because apparently you are under the control of the whims of your stupid emotions. God help us all. "I don't know, I guess I just didn't really think you'd care or something," you finally say. Dave seems unsatisfied with this, as you knew he would be, but thankfully Sollux chooses that moment to come into the room, spotting you immediately and ushering you over with a quirk of his hand. 

"So you WERE serious," Dave says under his breath as he moves to let you through. "Now isn't that interesting." You glare at him as you pass, because that's what you've been telling him all along, but there's no venom in it. You're too nervous, for whatever reason. Wait, why the fuck are you nervous? Exasperated at how nonsensical it all is, you furrow your brow as you follow Sollux into one of the quiet study rooms that are adjacent to the main lab. You hope this whole venture actually works out the way it's supposed to, because weird reservations aside you actually really do need to pass this fucking class. With that in mind, you take a calming breath, letting it out slowly as the door clicks shut behind you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry readers, I had all these plans for plot progression and cool shit like that in this chapter but apparently Karkat and Dave really needed to talk for basically the entire thing. I guess it happens.


	3. Always comment your code though

"So," Sollux says as he settles himself into the chair across from you, "did you manage to figure out what was wrong?"

You swallow nervously, busying yourself with removing your laptop from its case. "Well," you reply hesitantly, "kind of." You had spent a few hours....minutes...glancing over your code the night before. But honestly you were so sick of looking at it already that there wasn't much motivation to spend time finding your error when Sollux will probably be able to solve the issue after just a glance. 

He raises his eyebrows, clearly seeing right through you. "Right. So what do you think the problem is?"

Uh-oh, he's calling your bluff. "...Obviously something to do with curly braces." Sollux snorts a laugh, leaning onto one hand.

"Anything more specific, Mr. Deflection?"

You huff a sigh, slightly exasperated. "I don't fucking know! Aren't you supposed to be telling me this shit? Isn't this, like, what you're fucking here for?"

He shrugs. "Just thought I'd give you the chance. Let me look at your code then. Do you have it open?" You nod, quickly typing in your password and opening the file in a text editor. You feel a little embarrassed as you turn your laptop towards him; it's a bit intimidating showing your broken program to someone at such a high level, after all. Only a total douchebag would actually laugh at the person they're helping though, right?

As you form these thoughts of reassurance, you hear Sollux make a small, strange noise. You look up at him, startled. The hand that isn't supporting his head is clamped tightly over his mouth as his eyes fixate on your laptop screen, shoulders shaking with laughter.

"I...WELL EX-FUCKING-CUSE ME," you say, completely indignant. You were definitely just kidding about the laughing thing. Despite your sharp tone, Sollux pays you no mind, still chortling under his breath. "Is there a fucking PROBLEM here?" you ask as he fails to acknowledge you. "It's not like I'm baring my fucking soul or anything here. Please, continue to amuse yourself with my obviously HILARIOUSLY BAD CODE." You glare daggers at him, though your throat actually feels a little tight. He's...seriously laughing at it. And you can't lie - despite the irony of the situation, the breach of trust feels kind of shitty. Fuck tutors anyway though right? You knew he wouldn't actually help. Sollux finally glances up at you, looking surprised at your angry face.

"Oh...fuck, no, that's not it," he says quickly, wiping his eyes and obviously trying to reform his face into serious expression. "It's just-" he's smiling again, "-your comments on your code are hilarious. 'Mr. Zahhak can shove this foreach loop up his gaping nook'? Where the fuck do you come UP with this shit? What the hell is a nook?"

You stare. Your offended feelings from just moments ago have been stopped in their tracks by a curious mixture of utter surprise, rising pride, and complete embarrassment. "I don't even know," you respond finally, trying to re-grasp the situation. "I just have to amuse myself somehow in this fucking class or I'll end up strangling myself with my mouse cord in the middle of lecture or something. I...usually remember to delete the comments before I turn stuff in."

Sollux snorts, amused. "Slipped up once or twice, have we? I wouldn't worry, our good TA never read the comments anyway. He just checks to make sure we've got a couple in there and gives us the points. Besides, it's a shame to erase such comedy gold." His eyes scan the screen again. "I like the part where you equate MYSQL databases to 'crotchstained barfpuppets.' Now there's a metaphor I can get behind." You smile a little. That had been a pretty good one. Your conflicted feelings are finally starting to settle and something new is coming, you notice. Companionship perhaps? That wouldn't be too bad. You hadn't even considered the possibility of a friendship with Sollux before - he just seemed completely untouchable from what you knew about him - but now... 

"Anyway," Sollux says briskly, snapping you out of your musings, "here's your problem." He points at your laptop screen, his finger hovering over a line of code near the bottom. "You didn't close your php properly and it's messing with the debugger. The curly brace error is misleading, if you didn't realize that already." You sigh. He wasn't kidding when he said it was a really simple fix. You can't believe you missed it (and you know if you'd looked over your code for five more minutes the night before you would've seen it. Dammit.) You take your laptop back and fix the line he singled out, scanning it one last time just to make sure you hadn't missed anything else. 

"Shit. Thanks," you say, a little begrudgingly. "Though I'm sure I'll have even more fucking errors now though, so maybe I shouldn't start the celebrations yet." 

"Actually," Sollux says slowly as he scrolls up and down the screen, "as a whole, your code isn't half bad. I wouldn't be surprised if it runs fine. It's a little inefficient in places, sure, but you've got the basic ideas down."

"I don't know about that," you admit. "A fuckload of it I just copy straight from the lecture slide examples."

"You and everyone else who actually shows up to lab. This class really is a fucking joke," he mutters under his breath. "But regardless. You're incorporating it properly. If you want, I can explain better what the hell Zahhak's code means, though you really just need practice with catching the sneaky errors so they don't take up all your lab time. I can recommend you some better plugins for debugging that might help too. Want to check if your code is working now first though?"

You nod. "Why the fuck not." Sollux uploads it to the server and refreshes the page. Nothing. What a complete and utter surprise. 

"Hold on," he says, biting his lip. He clicks back to the text editor and quickly scans the page. "Ah, right. This one is a bit trickier." He retypes part of a line and goes back to your test page, refreshing again. And there it is. Despite knowing Sollux's experience with programming well, you can't help feeling a little impressed at the ease with which he solved your problems. 

"What was it?"

He shrugs. "Variable naming issue. Quick fix, but hard to find if you don't know what you're looking for. As I said, it mostly just comes down to experience with seeing the same errors before." He pushes your laptop back over to you and stretches in his chair, yawning. "You can probably turn it in now."

"Oh," you say. "Right." For some reason, you feel a little let down. He says that all you really need is practice, so does this mean you won't have tutoring sessions anymore? Is this it? Sollux must have noticed the questioning look in your eyes, because he pulls out his phone and places it on the table in front of you.

"That doesn't mean you can't come to me if you need help, and I still need to send you the names of those debugger plugins anyway. Give me your cell phone number and we can talk about it later." He checks the clock on the wall. "I've got some shit to attend to soon, otherwise I'd get something set up for you now." 

"Oh, no, it's fine," you say, surprised at the offer. "You've....done a lot already. Seriously, thanks." As you add your name to his contacts, you can't help smiling a little. Generally, you try not to get all mushy on people (for one, Dave always teases you for it when you do), but when it's warranted you sometimes can't help but be sincere. And in this case it's definitely warranted. You wonder vaguely why he even decided to help you in the first place. You guess you'll never know. 

When you finish zipping and uploading your competed assignment, you head for the door, thanking Sollux again for his help, but he stops you before you can leave. 

"Hey," he says. "Are you going to the party on Friday?"

"The party? You mean Feferi's?" Feferi is a second-year like Sollux, so you don't know her very well. Her Friday night parties are famous among even the first-years though - or perhaps infamous is a better word. Most of your fellow classmates are too intimidated to go to any of them, even though everyone in the major is almost always invited. So why would Sollux be asking? You're actually surprised he's even the party type. 

"Yeah, that one," he replies. "She's been asking everyone in second year to encourage more first-years to go." He shrugs. "Figured I'd start with you." The offer sounds casual enough, but there's something in his tone that suggests otherwise. That something more is riding on this than just a request from a friend. Fuck if you know what though. 

"...Sure," you find yourself responding, despite normally needing to be convinced for hours by Dave to go to parties, even the ones he DJs. "What time is it again?"

"Eight. I'd recommend arriving at least an hour late though. See you then. Keep practicing." By the time you realize the last part of his sentence is referring to coding and not partying, he's already out the door. You exit as well, noticing that Dave is gone from the lab. Which is fine - you kind of feel like mulling your tutoring session (if you can even call it that) over for a bit before getting grilled on it. You also can't believe it, but you're actually looking forward to Feferi's party for some reason. 

You must be going insane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you can tell this is building towards something, and the next chapter will be more interesting!


	4. And aren't parties wonderful (Part I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for all your comments!! Every single comment and kudo and bookmark means a lot to me, and I tried extra hard (and failed but shhh) to get this chapter up promptly because of them!
> 
> That being said, this part of the story looks like it's going to be a lot longer than I expected, so I'm splitting it into two parts. Here's part one.
> 
> I had a lot of fun writing this because it draws heavily on my own party experiences. And look, new tags!

You fidget nervously in front of Feferi's door, finger hovering in front of the doorbell. You can just barely hear the murmur of many voices and the dull pound of bass leaking through the double-paned windows, and you swallow. You haven't been to a party in a long while, and you're currently being uncomfortably reminded of a certain night spent puking up what felt like ten pounds of vodka gummy bears into a stranger's toilet while Dave patted your back and snickered. He puts a hand on your shoulder now, having spent the last couple minutes chatting with a group of people smoking outside the house on a bench. He gives you a judgmental glance over his sunglasses, which are slightly pulled down in the fading light. 

"You look like a stuttering high school boy before his first prom," he says flatly. "It's time to button up your tux, pull out the corsage and go for the fucking gold. Which in this case means walking into the party and getting over the goddamn gummy bears, because I know that's why you have that fucking expression on your face I mean jesus christ do you need a barf bag or something?" 

"I'm not-"

"Don't even fucking deny it. Even if there are gummy bears at the party, you can ignore them. Hell, you could be brave and eat a number of them that's  not approximately equal to your own body weight and get over your irrational fear that I will neither confirm or deny is your own damn fault. Embrace the gummy bears. Love the gummy bears."

"...Jesus fuck, Dave." 

"Form a domestic partnership with the gummy bears. The door's probably unlocked, by the way," he says, ignoring your look of slightly ill irritation and stepping aside to gesture towards the house with a flourish. "After you, Lady Gummerina." You make a noise at him which is supposed to be exasperated but sounds a little bit like a goat with stomach problems. Honestly, you feel a little like a goat with stomach problems right now. It's really not the best mindset for partying. You're a bit shocked that an experience from so many months ago is affecting you this badly, but you suppose that it's pretty evolutionarily sensible for your brain to automatically form unpleasant long-term associations with something that made you violently ill. And Dave certainly isn't helping.

" _Impregnate the gummy bears,_ " he stage-whispers into your ear, then slides past you through the door and into the party. You try desperately not to be amused, manage an actual semi-convincing sigh instead, and follow him. 

The first thing you see when you walk into the significantly louder interior of the house is Feferi herself, dressed head-to-toe in dazzling fuchsia with her arm around another girl who looks vaguely related to her and extremely pained. 

"Dave! Karkat!" Feferi says brightly. "You made it!" She detaches herself from the girl next to her, who looks rather relieved, and bounces over to hug you both. "So, what would you two like to drink?" You shrug, distracted. You're already scanning the room for Sollux, but he's nowhere to be found. You squint in the dim light. 

Dave glances over at you. "We can handle it. Where's the kitchen again?" 

Feferi starts to gesture in a direction to her left, then catches sight of the girl she'd been embracing earlier, who's sidled away towards a table filled with red plastic cups and is cautiously taking a sip from one. "Oh! Where are my manners! Sorry Meenah!" Meenah hurriedly downs the rest of the drink as Feferi pulls her back over. 

"This is my cousin, Meenah, visiting from Chicago. She's thinking of transferring! Isn't that wonderful? I was just telling her all about our program." 

"Weird-ass major," Meenah adds under her breath. "Don't make no fuckin' sense." Dave snorts. 

"It makes perfect sense!" Feferi retorts, undiscouraged. "It's a two-year program that begins in Junior year of college, what's so weird about it? This is Dave and Karkat, they're first-years."

"See, this is the shit I'm talking about. You ain't a first-year if you're a Junior. You're a fuckin' Junior." As she talks, Meenah slowly reaches around Feferi, back towards the table of cups. Feferi chidingly slaps her hand when she notices.

"Stop that! Those aren't your drinks!"

"Are there _names_ written up on these drinks? No? Well then they're mine." She takes a hearty sip of the nearest one, as if for emphasis, then strides away. "Laters."

Feferi huffs a sigh, hands on her hips. "I'm sorry about her! She's a bit of a belligerent drunk. She's usually very nice!" You find that a little difficult to believe, but nod along anyway.

"Well, shit," Dave says after a beat of silence. "We've been standing around long enough, yeah? Let's get some a-a-"

"Goddammit-"

"A-a-alcohol," he finishes loudly, and drags you to the kitchen before you can respond. 

"Heeeeey kiddos!" a voice slurs at you immediately and excitedly. "Want a totes innocent and un-illegal beverage?" The voice belongs to Roxy Lalonde, of course. She's well known even among the first-years, famous not only for her incredible drinking stamina, but also for being one of the few that can rival Sollux in programming prowess, even when totally smashed. Speaking of whom, he's perched on the counter next to her, leaning passively against the fridge with a cup clutched in his hand. His actually does have his name written on it, misspelled in a girly scrawl as what looks like "Sollicks." You can only guess the culprit. He makes eye contact with you and you look away, clearing your throat passively. 

"'Totes innocent,' huh? Sounds boring," Dave says, wandering over to the array of bottles scattered on the counter and picking one up to read over. 

"That," Roxy says dramatically, leaning towards him, " _was a ruse._ They are def. full of alcohol."

"You shock me."

"All the alcohol, Dave. Allll of it." She waves her drink around for effect, sloshing the contents over her hand in the process. "...Whoops."

"Christ, RL," Sollux says, almost fondly, grabbing a paper towel from a nearby roll and passing it over. She sticks out her tongue at him. You had no idea they were such good...friends. Your stomach twists oddly again, and you try to take Dave's advice and think positively about gummy bears. It just makes you feel stupid. Dave passes you a drink of something, and you take it gratefully. 

"Oh yeah! Hey! You! Not-Dave first year!" Roxy shouts excitedly, placing her drink on the table. You start. 

"What?" She really doesn't know your name? 

"You really don't know his name?" Sollux says disbelievingly, voicing your thoughts out loud. "You're on council!"

"Well gosh I am so sorry I don't remember the name of this person I have only met like once in my life probably." She fake-pouts at all of you. "You could def all stop being such meanies and just give me a hint so I can, like, remember and shit." Sollux sighs.

"You are a disgrace to the council. Okay. It starts with 'Kar.' You have one guess, so don't just say the first thing that pops into your-"

"CARPET!" Dave and Sollux simultaneously choke on their drinks.

"No," you say flatly. Name guessing is probably your least favorite game because they'll invariably guess something stupid. Kitkat is popular, but Carpet is a new one you suppose. Dave is coughing next to you.

"Oh shizzzz, it's Karkat isn't it. Shit. Karkat! Hi! How ya doin'?" You shrug, annoyed. 

"Nice recovery," Sollux mutters next to her. She ignores him.

"This is your first time to one of Fef's parties, right? Are you having fun?"

"Not fucking especially." You take a casual sip of your drink and immediately make a face of disgust at Dave, grabbing for water. "Holy shit dude, what the fuck is this? Is it even mixed?" Wow, what a fantastic party. You're so glad you came.

"Oh. My bad," Dave says blankly, answering approximately zero of your questions. He takes your drink from you and pours more coke into it. "I forgot you were such a little bitch about hard a." You take another, longer swig once he passes it back and manage a smaller grimace this time, conceding that's it's slightly more tolerable.

"Well excuse me if I don't particularly like the taste of _pure fucking ethanol._ I mean seriously, this tastes like the worst attempt at rum ever and I have pretty strong evidence that my experience with it up until now hasn't exactly been the cream of the crop."

Dave rolls his eyes. Or at least you think he does, it's hard to tell with the shades sometimes. "Well, obviously, it's 151."

"What the everloving fuck is-"

"Omg," says Roxy, cutting you off, "You gave him 151 for his first drink of the night. _Davey_ ," she simpers, hand over her mouth, "I am _so_ shocked-slash-proud." You look at them, then towards the bottles on the counter, confusion on your face and a sense of inescapable doom rising in your throat. They all stare at you silently as you grasp for the correct bottle on the counter. You look for the alcohol percentage label on the Bacardi 151 bottle. 

"Holy fuck," you say slowly, voice rising with panic. "Holy fuck, Dave! This is seventy-five percent alcohol!"

"It's actually 75.5%."

"SEVENTY FIVE POINT FIVE PERCENT? Is that even a thing?? Do they even make alcohol with that high a percentage? Isn't that, I don't even fucking know, ILLEGAL or something? HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST DRANK A DECENT AMOUNT OF THAT. AM I DYING DAVE?" You take a deep breath, shoving your drink to one side in abject horror. "AM I LITERALLY DYING?"

"Holy shit dude, calm down, you took like two sips," Dave says. "You're fine. You just need to loosen up a bit. Here, have some more."

"I WILL NOT HAVE SOME MORE, YOU CAN FUCK RIGHT THE FUCK OFF!" Sollux and Roxy watch you in utter amusement, completely unhelpful as Dave attempts to shove your drink back at your face. You hate all of them. You hate your entire major.

"Wow look at that," Dave deadpans. He takes a sip of your own drink then continues to push it towards your mouth. "No radioactive waste here. Just Dave Strider all alive and shit sipping totally cool and ironically on his best friend for life's delicious coke-filled pussy beverage as he cowers in the corner. The reports are in, the drink contains zero gummy bears. The crowd cheers."

"Gummy bears?" Sollux questions, looking at you both.

"Never you fucking mind!" You snatch your drink back, cheeks burning. "Jesus fuck." You take a hearty sip, and why the fuck not, you'll just down the rest. You slam it down and look at Dave with victorious anger. He smirks. 

"Well, I guess I'll leave you three to it. Time to don the popped collar and backwards cap and rescue this party from its terrible music." He struts out of the kitchen and bends over the ipod plugged into the speakers. You faintly hear him make a noise of distaste, and take a breath as you lean back on the cupboards behind you. Your head is already buzzing a bit, and you hate to admit it, but Dave was right. You feel slightly calmer. Roxy turns to you, a full drink in hand.

"You're like practically 21, right? No need for the guilts." She presses the drink, which is a suspiciously bright pink hue, into your palm and grins brightly. "Look at this tasty-ass shit. Mmmm."

"I'm actually nineteen," you mutter, averting your eyes but taking her drink anyway. It's decidedly better than that vile 151 concoction and tastes vaguely like passionfruit. You notice she's also written your name on the side, which she's written as 'carcat' but it's better than carpet so you appreciate the effort. "Late birthday."

"REGARGLESS!" she says, taking a swig of her own beverage as Sollux covers his face with his hands. "I mean regardless. Fuck. You know. Anyway, It's cool! Fef party virgin and all, ya gotta have a good time!" Dave wanders back, holding a cup of water, looking passively between the three of you.

"Here, bro, gotta stay hydrated. Wouldn't want to wake up with a hangover." You take it gratefully.

Roxy titters. "Lookit you two. Bros bein bros. Lookin out fer each other." She leans closer, as if she's about to tell you both a secret. "You know you guys should totally just...make out." Sollux and Dave choke on their drinks for the second time that night, but this time you join them. 

"Goddammit," says Sollux, wiping his mouth. "I'm sorry about her."

"I'm SERIOUS," says Roxy loudly, setting her now empty drink to the side. "It's not even a big deal! Come on Sollux, demonstration." He sighs as if this isn't the first time, and she turns towards him, sloppily pressing her lips against his. Your stomach twists uncomfortably for a moment and you glance at your drink before setting it down on the table. You should probably take a break. Dave looks at you for a second and snorts, setting his cup of water down as well. 

"Well, I'm out. Back to improving the party with my slick Strider beats." And there he goes again. You wonder what that was about. Probably just uncomfortable about the conversation topic, and you can't say you really blame him. 

"Do you know WHY you think it's a big deal?" Roxy continues dramatically, undeterred by Dave's sudden absence. "SOCIAL NORMZ. THAT'S WHY." You stare at her, alarmed. Sollux seems to be avoiding eye contact by rapidly downing his drink. Roxy notices a girl with short, dark hair and a light blue skirt at the sink who you vaguely recognize as another second-year that you've never spoke to, and points at her decidedly. "JANEY! GET OVER HERE!" The girls starts and sidles over obediently, a light flush to her cheeks. "It is time for awesome same-gender makeouts," she says seriously. "We need more totes scientific proof for my convincing point." Jane seems to shrug for a moment then leans in expectantly,  Roxy somehow maintaining eye contact with you the entire time. It's really quite unnerving. Sollux continues to do absolutely nothing but stare. "SEE?" she says finally, patting a now rather red Jane on the back as she leaves the room. "Goddamn social normzzz." 

"Ok, I don't even know what that fucking means," you begin, finally finding your voice and feeling a little flushed yourself, "but I think I'm going to go find Dave." You walk as quickly as you can stumble to the living room and look in vain for blonde hair and shades, hearing a not-so-subtle "oh fuck, I scared him off!" as you leave, then collapse on a nearby couch and sigh. You're already hitting the bottom of your second drink, with means you should probably slow down and also get some more water. But the couch is so comfortable, dammit. 

You readjust the cushions a bit and lean your head back, enjoying the echoing bass in your ears. So maybe this isn't so bad after all. You decide that all parties should be spent ignoring everyone else and instead sitting by yourself on couches. As you think this obviously very reasonable thought, a warm body flops down in the narrow space next to you. You turn, intending to form some sort of complaint towards this rude space invader, but your words die suddenly in your throat. It's Sollux again, except he's now approximately 10,000 percent closer than he's ever been (that's definitely an exaggeration, but you're going to assert with reasonable conviction that you're a bit drunk at this point and therefore do not give a single fuck). 

"So," he says, looking at you carefully. "When you think about it, Roxy actually has some valid points."

And  _that_ was not at all what you'd been expecting him to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roxy is me. Also, 151 is bad, kids. BAD.


	5. And aren't parties wonderful (Part II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the last couple comments, you really encouraged me to get this chapter up! And wow, I really need to write more, words are hard. 
> 
> Is this what we've all been waiting for? Let's find out!

You stare at Sollux, and he just stares right back, like what he's saying is completely logical and not nonsensical out-of-character bullshit. But maybe who you thought he was is just a creation of your mind, drawn together from your own expectations. You don't even know anymore. 

"Valid....what do you mean, valid points?!" you manage to get out, trying your hardest to sound affronted and not agreeable in the slightest. "Roxy's just being silly, right?" This party is messing with your brain. A little Dave voice pops into your head and tells you to "quit thinking and start drinking," and so you decide to pull a Meenah, your drink being empty and all, and sip from the nearest unmarked cup. You let out a breath as you realize it's just orange juice and vodka. Thank God. You don't think you could handle any more 151. Score one for stealing other people's drinks. 

"No," Sollux begins. "Well, yes, but it doesn't mean she's wrong," he explains, then stops to look at you pointedly. "And you really shouldn't be doing that. Bad habit if you ever go to parties where you can't actually trust all the people there." You narrow your eyes at him and down the rest. Who does he think he is, anyway? Finishing drinks to prove points is probably another bad habit you shouldn't really be getting into, but you shake off that particular thought for now and concentrate on more pertinent matters. Namely, your sudden uncomfortable awareness of how close Sollux's face is to yours, coupled conveniently with a rising and overwhelming need to pee.  

"Bathroom!" you say, standing abruptly and accidentally knocking Sollux in the side of the head with your elbow. You open your mouth to apologize then decide your bladder can't wait another second and rush off down the hall to the toilet instead.

\---

As you wash your hands, you cup a bit of water into your mouth to wash down the alcohol aftertaste that lingers in your throat, then splash a little more onto your face, trying to clear your head. You feel confused, which isn't new, but what _is_  new is that right now you just can't really bring yourself to care very much. Could that be a problem? You stare for a moment into the mirror and regard your reflection warily -- your deep brown, worried eyes, your small nose, your dripping bangs. And then, because you're definitely drunk at this point, you pull a face at yourself and snicker a little. Fuck it. Just...fuck it. Out you go. 

And of course, as soon as you emerge, there he is. 

"Took you long enough," Sollux notes. He's nearly blocking the bathroom door, leaning against the wall in the shadowy part of the hall. You have to edge around him to get out. "Were you puking or something?' 

"No!" you say, too quickly. "No, I was just...thinking." Wow. Go you. Mr. Smooth Talker.  

"Oh yeah?" Sollux seems unfazed. "About what?" You almost respond truthfully, then catch yourself and just shrug.  

"Nothing." Sollux rolls his eyes. 

"Right. Nothing to do with your little performance, I'm sure."

"My..." 

"Are you so drunk that you've already forgotten? You know, when you hit me in the head, failed to even say sorry, then ran off in the middle of our conversation?" He doesn't sound angry, just...mildly amused. 

"I had to pee!" you say defensively. And you did. You really had to pee. You did drink a lot at once, after all. 

"...Uh-huh." You think that's the most sarcastic agreement you've ever heard anyone say. It pisses you off. And there you go again, your competitive streak is rising up, telling you that you're about to do something dumb but that you should definitely do it anyway.

"Why?" you say challengingly, edging closer. The hallway is empty and the rest of the party feels far, far away, and coupled with the alcohol it's making you feel stupidly brave. "Did you think I was uncomfortable with something....something like..." You're not too sure where you were actually planning on going with the sentence, but you can suddenly feel Sollux's quick breath on your face, and you think your brain has just short-circuited. You abruptly stop talking. In fact, if you actually wanted to do something other than close the gap between the two of you, and not an atom of you does at the moment, you're not even sure if you'd be able to. As it stands, you lean forward, ignoring every warning signal your brain isn't currently sending you, and the moment your lips touch you realize it.

_Oh._

_Karkat, you dumbass._

_This is why you've been feeling so fucking weird._

You'd kick yourself for being the worst rom-com expert ever, but you think your brain is still broken, and even if it weren't you'd be much to distracted by _kissing fucking Sollux jesus christ_ to beat yourself up over how stupid you are. 

\---

Against your expectations for how much he'd been playing it up, Sollux starts off slow, tentative, surprised. For a moment you're taken aback, and you almost pull away, but you instead force yourself to respond in kind, hoping that soon he'll get comfortable enough to-- _oh fuck--_ yep, there it is. The mouth against yours gains sudden confidence, and you find yourself opening your lips to his tongue before you know it, gasping, snaking your hands up his back to clutch at his shirt as your head spins. He pushes you hard and fast against the opposite wall and you're pretty sure that he's the only thing that's holding you together right now, because you feel like you'd otherwise be shattered in pieces on the floor. It's your first drunk makeout and it's numb and messy, like you'd expect, but somehow strangely empowering, and despite your inability to produce any thoughts other than _holy shit holy shit holy shit_ you're thoroughly--

Wait.

You break off for a moment, both of you breathing hard, and you try your best to form coherent words. "Is that...do you have a tongue piercing??"

He looks at you for a moment as if he's still catching up to his thoughts as well, then runs it across his teeth thoughtfully, face flushed and still inches from yours. "...Yeah. It makes my lisp worse so I usually leave it out at school, but it's a hit a parties. If you can imagine."

"I...I think I can. Wow, that's actually really--" it's a good thing your brain is still dead, because otherwise this would be really embarrassing, "--hot." Sollux smirks at you knowingly and fuck it, you're ready to tear his clothes off right there and then in the hallway, and you might have actually if a small voice hadn't said "Oh" from around the corner just as you pull him back against you. 

Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just love cliffhangers apparently


	6. And aren't parties wonderful (Part III)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux POV

Karkat looks just as thrown off as you do as you both stare down the narrow hall, the girl at the end meeting both your gazes with wavering green eyes. 

"Goddammit, of course it's Nepeta," Karkat mumbles to himself, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and looking very much as if he's torn between making a run for it and making out with you some more. He says something else that sounds like "just my luck" and leans against the wall, letting out a long breath. You glance at him. The girl, Nepeta, isn't in your department, but she's in Design so you've seen her around in some of the classes that the two majors share. This is the first time you've seen her at one of Feferi's parties, though. You figure she must have a history with Karkat, judging by both their reactions to the situation. She didn't come to the party just for him, did she?

Nepeta takes a step forward, towards the both of you. "Karkat, I...I was looking everywhere for you!" He blanches and you figure your guess about her reason for being here is probably correct. Damn. Why didn't you know about this? You'll have to crack down on your sources. It was all going so well, too. Karkat makes a slight movement towards Nepeta, then looks back at you. 

"Shit, Sollux, I'm...sorry," he says, biting his lip and looking as though he's not quite sure what he's apologizing for. "I should probably go." He's playing the role of Serious Drunk terribly, adorably, and you almost want to laugh, or maybe ruffle his hair, but you don't. You just nod. You have new information now, and you're going to need to re-evaluate your plan of attack a little. He nods back at you, very slightly, and you want to believe it was a "we'll continue this later" nod but you know you're drunk enough to misinterpret signals so you just file that thought away for later and watch him as he walks away, out the door. You feel empty after he's gone and it gives you a strange urge to do something really silly and cliche, maybe shout "wait!" and run after him, like in one of those dramatic movie you only see on six-hour plane flights when you're half asleep and desperate with boredom. You shake your head and vow not to drink any more tonight, then wander toward the living room to look for Dave. He's sitting on the couch next to the speakers and absentmindedly scrolling down his phone with one hand, and when he sees you he raises an eyebrow and scoots over a little to make room. 

"If your plans for tonight were a train," he says, "you are so far off the tracks you're practically on Jupiter. Nice job fighting for your man, by the way. I saw the whole thing.

"He's not my man," you say defensively. Dave snorts. 

"Yeah, because you're too much of a pussy to tell Nepeta to fuck off."

"Hey," you snap, "you're the one who was withholding important information. You said there wouldn't be any problem, dickface. I didn't expect his ex or whoever the hell she is to pop out of nowhere and cockblock our makeout session, which by the way was initiated by _him_ , not me, Mr.I-Don't-Think-Karkat-Would-Ever-Make-The-First-Move--" 

"Calm the fuck down dude, jesus," Dave says, rubbing his face. "Now I know how Karkat feels when I go off on one of my rants. Not to say he doesn't do the exact same thing sometimes, but...anyway, Nepeta isn't his ex. She's just...a friend of ours. She asked him out a few months ago, but he turned her down and she hasn't brought it up since so I didn't even think it would be an issue. She shouldn't have even known about this party." He says the last part quietly, almost to himself. 

"So why did he leave with her?" You wince, knowing you sound accusatory even though you don't mean to. 

"He's probably just walking her home and figuring out what was up. Really...this isn't like Nepeta. There must be something else going on if she came here. Remember what I told you about Karkat when I first approached you about him?" You nod. You remember the conversation clearly, since it had been only a few days earlier and all.

 

***

 

_"I know you wouldn't tutor someone unless you were getting some sort of personal benefit from it. Someone else maybe, but not you." Dave is narrowing his eyes at you behind his shades, and it unsettles you that you're close enough to tell. "Karkat might brush it aside because of his silly admiration crush or whatever the fuck you want to call it, but..."_

_"Wait," you say, your heart stopped in your chest. "His what?" You'd been waiting for a chance to pounce on this tutoring opportunity, it's true, but you figured your feelings were completely one-sided. You're used to that, after all. It was true with Feferi, you think it's true with Roxy although you've long given up on figuring_ her _out, and so why wouldn't it be true with Karkat, especially when you're pretty sure he's straight? The tutoring is really just a way get close to him so you could hate yourself even more for your feelings. Or maybe, you know, start a friendship with him, but you only get that positive on your really good days._

_"So it_ is _the personal benefit I was hoping it would be. Fascinating." Dave is smirking at you knowingly, and you don't like it. He's sharper than you'd originally taken him for. You shouldn't have let your guard down though, regardless, and you mentally kick yourself for doing so._

_"If you have a problem with it," you begin, but he shakes his head, cutting you off._

_"Not at all. That's not why I came to talk to you. I fully support all of Karkitty's hapless romantic endeavors, especially his awkwardly homoerotic ones." He smirks again. "Which is why I'm here to offer my help."_

_"Your...help?" You're taken aback, and more than a little suspicious. You didn't know much about this Dave Strider character before speaking with him today, admittedly, as your attention towards the students in your web class had been mostly focused on Karkat and your attention towards the people frequenting Fef's parties had been mostly focused on your actual friends, but you certainly hadn't expected him to surprise you so many times over the course of one conversation._

_"Yep." He nods, then sighs. "Look," he says, adjusting his sunglasses on his nose. "I don't expect you to know this about me since this is basically the first time we've talked and all, but growing up I got really good at reading people. I can read my Bro like no one else can, even when his face might look totally straight, and I can read you. And I'm not gonna fucking judge you for whatever your feelings for Karkat are, or the reasons behind them. Karkat is my bro, and I just want what's best for him, especially if it'll stop this shitty romcom binge he's been on lately. If he watches one more doe-eyed, bullheaded romance I think his view of relationships might get warped beyond repair, so you'd better act fast, actually."_

_You rub at your face, taking this information in. "Okay, so we've established my feelings. I hope you don't mind if I keep my personal reasons for them to myself. I mean, it's not like I really know you." He nods._

_"That's fair."_

_"But," you continue slowly, "How do you know he feels the same? Did you just...read him? Like you read me? Because that's not really much to go off if I'm actually going to make an honest effort at this shit."_  

_"Trust me," he says. "It's well-hidden, but there's something there. I'm pretty sure you're going to make the first move because he hasn't even talked to_ me _about it that's not like him, so he's definitely in denial, but when he told me he was going to Fef's party? That's not like him. At all. He doesn't even go to parties that I DJ and he's usually supportive of my shit so I figured it just wasn't his thing. So believe me when I say that this is a big. Fucking. Deal. I mean it, don't screw this up, man."_

 

_***_

 

Shit. So was Nepeta the same way? You look at Dave, and he nods, as if answering your unasked question.

"Look," he says, "It's probably nothing to worry about. I'll talk to them both, so you just sit tight and calculate your next move or whatever the fuck it is you do in your free time. I guess I'll peace out soon or something and get started on that. Oh, and Sollux?" You've already turned to go back to the kitchen, maybe see what Roxy's up to, but there's something in his tone that makes you turn back with a sense of impending doom. "I know I've been helpful so far, but don't for a second think that it means I value your feelings over Karkat's. If you break his heart, I will cut you the fuck up." He raises his glass to you, as if in salute, and you swallow.

"Noted." If you hadn't gotten it in your head earlier, you certainly know now that Dave Strider is a force to be reckoned with. Which of course makes this a challenge. And if there's one thing you can't pass up, it's a challenge. 


	7. I guess this whole fic is basically the party isn't it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes hello I know it's been forever but look! New chapter! The next one will probably be the last.

You walk a short distance away from the party, far enough so that the bass fades into the sounds of the wind and cars along the main road, and turn to face Nepeta, who is nervously tugging on her sleeves and looking very much as though she wants to bury herself in the neighbor's garden.

"I shouldn't have come here," she blurts out. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's...look, it's fine." You rub your face, trying to sober up. God, you forgot how much you hate trying to have serious talks when you're drunk. And you're definitely drunk at this point. Nepeta shakes her head.

"It's really not! You obviously have...I mean, I wanted to talk to you about, um, feelings and things, you know! But, I...." She trails off hopelessly and you look at her, feeling equally at a loss.

"Okay, um," you begin, "nothing has really changed for me on that front, if that's what you're asking..."

She shakes her head violently, cutting you off. "That's not it! I'm sorry, I just had this...idea and I always just interfere in people's lives even when I don't mean to I'm sorry I know you're over me it's not about that!"

You take a moment to process this information. "Then what the hell is it?" you say, your voice betraying your utter puzzlement.

"So...I've kind of just been keeping an eye on you lately, because like, if I don't have a chance with you then maybe there's someone else who does! Someone you like! And it just so happens that there was an opening in my shipping charts-" she stops her explanation abruptly, her cheeks flushing dark red. "I didn't say that last part! You didn't hear that!"

"...What?"

"Anyway!" She says, barreling on, "I thought there might be a, um, opportunity, so I had Feferi keep me updated on her party guests for all her parties so I would know exactly when to pounce!"

You're definitely too drunk for this. "Pounce?"

"Yees! But when I got there! I didn't even have to do anything because moves had already been made and you know, I just felt a little thrown off and stuff. So it's totally not your fault!"

"So," you say, "let me get this straight. After I turned you down, you decided to find someone else to date me instead, which I guess was, um, Sollux, but when you came to the party to matchmake we were already, uh, matchmade and you got upset over it??"

"Not that upset! Just surprised! But, um, yes, I guess so." She winces, as if she expects to be chastised.

"Well that's...really weird," you say resignedly. What's up with everyone trying to set you up with Sollux all of the sudden?

"Are you mad?" she says tentatively.

"No!" you say. "No, not mad. Just a little taken aback. If you don't mind...I'm gonna go back to the party? I was just afraid...you looked like something was seriously wrong."

Nepeta smiles hesitantly at this. "I didn't think you cared that much."

"Of course I do!" you suddenly feel bad for how much you've avoided her over the past few months. "Look, let's hang out sometime soon, okay? Do you need me to walk you home or anything?"

"I'm fine!" she says, the brightness back in her voice. "I'll see you around, okay? And Karkat...good luck." She gives a catlike smile and bounces off onto a side street. You watch her go with a sigh, then turn and walk back up the stairs to the party, fully intending to find Dave, sober up, and crash in your nice warm bed at home.

Instead, immediately upon re-rentering the house, you trip over a pair of long legs stretched across the hall and nearly fall into a table lamp.  
"Sollux jeezers what did I tell you, you're gonna kill someone," says Roxy from the couch, rolling her eyes.

"Fuck off," Sollux slurs, his head in his hands.

"Nu-uh! You wouldn't say that if you saw who you almost crippled!" Sollux looks up slowly, disbelievingly.

"You came back..."

"What the fuck is this, an eighties movie?" you can't help but bite out. Your heart is already racing, giving you flashbacks to your encounter in the hall, and it's making you snappy. "Of course I came back! I went outside for like five minutes! And on that note, how the hell did you suddenly go from a little drunk to looking like total death? Is it my job to babysit every ducklicking asshole here because I did not sign up for this shit, I just wanted to get drunk, forget about my problems and lie on the couch for a bit, is that too much to ask?"

"No, you left, fuck you too," Sollux mumbles. Roxy stifles a giggle.

"Poor baby drank too much too fast and ended up on the floor," she says. "I was about to take him home, but..." she gives you a knowing look. "You seem pretty...caperble."

You clear your throat, the second half of your rant dying in your throat along with your last shred of dignity. "Yeah, um, sure. Let me find Dave first though, I'm supposed to leave with him."

Roxy waves a hand. "Naaaah, he's fine! I'll let him know! You go on, be a good babysitter or you know, whatever." She leans in. "But no making a move on his passed-out ass or there will be hell to pay, alrighty?" You almost choke.

"Who do you think I am??"

"Just checking! Alright, Mr. Karpet has got this situation under controlz, everyone move out!" She claps her hand and trails towards the kitchen, leaving you alone by the door with the mass of tangled limbs and "fuck you"s that was presumably at one point Sollux.

You swallow, hoist him up so his arm rests around your shoulder, then realize you have no idea where he lives. Shit.

Your phone buzzes suddenly in your pocket, and you shift Sollux's weight as you pull it out. It's a text from a number you don't recognize, and it only contains an address and a mistyped winky face. You still don't really have any idea how this happened, but okay then. Off you go.


	8. Oh hey look

It's fortunate that Sollux's house is only a few blocks away, because you're not exactly keen on supporting six foot tall, stumbling drunk people for extended periods of time, especially ones who repeatedly shout helpful remarks such as "fuck you," "this is far" and "I'm fine." At least it gives you something to concentrate so you don't think about the fact that you're going to Sollux's house holy shit. Whoops.

You finally drag him up the front steps of his apartment complex and nudge him.

"Hey," you say quietly. "We're here. Do you have your keys on you?" Probably should have figured that out before you left, in retrospect. 

He rubs at his eyes and straightens. "Yeah, in m'pocket," he says, pulling them out clumsily and attempting to insert them into the deadbolt lock. He misses by about three inches, and you sigh.

"I've got it. Give them here." You're still not too sober yourself, but you manage to support Sollux and open the door at the same time, which to you is a remarkable feat. You drag him in, placing his keys in your own jacket pocket for safekeeping after a moment's thought, and peek at your phone again to check the apartment number. 211. Okay. The stairs to the second floor are blessedly short, and you pull his keys out again to unlock his apartment door. As soon as you do, Sollux springs suddenly back to life, careening immediately towards a bathroom to your left and slamming the door behind him.

After securing the front lock, you stand still for a moment, unsure of what to do. Sollux's studio apartment appears clean and orderly at first glance -- programming books are arranged by language on a shelf, the tiny kitchen corner is clean with only a single bowl in the sink, and his bed is made, the comforter carefully folded back. However, you notice empty bottles and school papers shoved under the bed, and two of his dresser drawers are open, the contents spilling onto the floor. Had he left for Feferi's party in some sort of hurry? A tiny voice in the back of your head wants it to be because he was excited to see you there, but you squash that thought. Just because you guys drunkenly made out doesn't mean he likes you. People make out at parties all the time. And you were the one who initiated it anyway. You think.

Sollux emerges from the bathroom, looking slightly more like a normal person, as you're pouring him a glass of water from the sink. He notices immediately and gives you a small smile, his head tilting to one side. "Thanks," he says tiredly, downing it and immediately refilling to cup to repeat the action. He then proceeds to deposit the empty cup and his glasses on his bedside table and flops facedown on his bed, still fully clothed.

"Um," you say, pulling off his shoes for him, "I'm gonna leave now?" It wasn't supposed to come out as a question. You mentally kick yourself.

"No," Sollux says in response, his voice muffled by the blanket. "Not allowed."

"...What." And now your questions have become statements.

"Got to stay. House rules." He somehow manages to flip over without kicking you in the stomach with his de-shoed foot, and grabs your arm, pulling you onto the bed. "I have a spare toothbrush," he says solemnly, as if that's your only concern. 

"Um," you say. "Um. Um." You're feeling less articulate by the minute. It's not helping you argue against him, especially since you don't particularly want to. "Okay then," you relent.

You drop your shoes on the ground besides him and decide to forgo the toothbrush for now, instead curling up hesitantly beside him. Your heart is beating a mile a minute and when you feel him kiss the back of your neck you almost have an aneurysm, but somehow you fall asleep before you can manage any sort of response.

***

You are abruptly woken up at precisely seven-fifteen in the morning by a siren. In the room. 

"WEEEEEE-OOOOOO!" Sollux's phone screeches from his pants pocket.

"AHHHHH!" you yell back, scrabbling for it. 

"WEEEEEE-OOOOOO!" it insists.

"STOP THAT WHY WON'T YOU TURN OFF WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME." 

Sollux grumbles a little and covers his face with his arm as you finally manage to silence his phone's alarm, wide-awake from the adrenaline rush. It's at this moment that you realize you're lying frozen on Sollux's bed with your hand in his pocket, and his phone isn't the only hard object you can feel. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

 

"K'rkt," Sollux mumbles.

"Yeah?" you say quickly, extracting your hand from his pocket posthaste. 

"Will y' get my phone f'r me?" Sigh.

"Sure thing." And back into the pocket your hand goes. "Here." You pass it to him and he gives you an unexpected, bleary-eyed glare. 

"Didn't dismiss it right. Gotta slide the thing." He demonstrates this action across the front of the screen. 

"Oh. Thanks," you respond. You're not sure what else to say. 

"Sorry 'bout that," he says after a bit. "I've trouble waking up sometimes. Gotta be loud."

"Right." You can't stop thinking about when your hand was in his pocket. What a stupid brain. You settle back down onto your side and you're about to fall back asleep when--

"Karkat, why d'you still have all your clothes on?"

"What...why do you?" you say indignantly. Ow, your head hurts, you can't handle all this innuendo so early in the morning. 

"And you didn't brush your teeth last night, did you?" You clap your hand over your mouth. 

"I--" That wasn't really where you expected that conversation to go.

"It's fine. I don't think I actually told you where the spare toothbrush was. I was a little drunk at the time, if you recall."

"I do recall that, actually." You manage a smile. "Why are you so totally fine now? My head hurts like hell," you admit, wincing. 

He shrugs. "Drank a lot of water. I've got good genes too. Irish blood."

"Huh."

"Now go brush your teeth and have some advil. Everything's under the sink. You might want some saltines and water with that advil too. Kitchen cupboard on the left." He shields his face with his arm again as you drop out of bed with a groan and patter around his apartment per his directions. It feels oddly normal to be doing so, and yet you hardly know him still. How strange. The Sollux Captor you imagined is nothing like the real thing, as it turns out. 

Both of you had ended up sleeping all night on top of the covers fully-clothed. When you think about it, it's kind of funny. Not exactly what one would expect when asked to stay over. Sollux changed into sweatpants at some point when you were in the bathroom, and he's halfway through taking off his shirt when you turn towards him after drinking your glass of water from the kitchen sink. You clear your throat and he pauses.

"Oh. Sorry. Are you uncomfortable?" He tugs it back down. You give him a halfhearted shrug as you approach the bed, unable to meet his gaze. 

"N-no. Not really." 

"Look, I can get...a bit strong-minded when I'm really drunk." He bites his lip. "If you didn't want to stay the night...if you don't want to be here now, you can leave. It's fine. Thanks for walking me home though." The Sollux Captor actually looks apprehensive, for once. You shake your head.

"No! No, I wanted to. It's fine. Thanks for, um, letting me stay." You strip your jeans off after a moment's pause and fold them on the floor, then stop, facing Sollux. He's still standing in front of the bed. "Do you want to, uh, go back to sleep for a while?"

"Right! Yeah. Do you want some sweatpants or something though?"

"I always sleep in my boxers anyway, it doesn't matter." There's a nagging sense of awkwardness pulling at the back of your throat, and you swallow, climbing under the covers. Sollux follows you, staying a careful distance away. Despite your assurances, you must have scared him off a bit. Dammit. Now what do you do? Just go to sleep? Stop thinking about pocket dick? Stop thinking about your own dick too, shit shit shit. 

You'd closed your eyes reflexively when you got into bed, but now you open them, trying to assess the situation. When you do, Sollux is facing you. Staring right back at you. Your eyes widen.

"Hey," you say.

"Hey." 

And then he draws closer. Or you draw closer. Probably one of you. At any rate, your lips are finally back on his, and you are so happy that you just brushed your teeth because he's easing his tongue into your mouth, oh god, you're going to have a heart attack you can't handle this but you do, you push back against him and run your free hand down his side, across his hip, getting pocket flashbacks but these sweatpants don't have pockets so there are no repeat performances to be made. He makes a tiny gasping noise that you didn't even know he could make when your hand brushes tentatively across the front of his pants, and a louder noise when you pull down the waistband, ever so slightly. 

"Karkat...shit..." Your mouths have been locked together this entire time and when he breaks off to breath your name you're gasping for air, face hot. "Is this...you're cool with this? It's okay?" You nod desperately, never so sure of anything in your life, and he leans up and rolls you onto your back, shimmying his pants off in the process. 

"Fuck," you bite out as his grinds down against you. You can feel a wet spot forming on your boxers already and you clench your teeth from the friction. He bends forward and presses his mouth against yours, practically tongue-fucking you, and you moan into his open mouth. Who knew hangover sex could be this good? You arch up against him desperately and his breath hitches in his throat. He pulls back, grinning a little, but he's no longer composed in the slightest. His cheeks are flushed and his eyes are wild, pupils blown wide. You get even harder just looking at him, and press yourself forward again. 

"A little eager, are we?" he says, teasing but still breathless.

"Fuck you," you manage.

"That's the plan." He tugs your boxers down, gently but insistently, and you spring free, shuddering as he draws his fingers along your length. Reaching with his free hand and grabbing a tiny bottle of lube from god knows where, he squirts it into his open palm and rubs his hands together, warming it. He then returns his attention to your dick and grips it hard, sliding his now-slick hand from base to tip, hard enough to make you gasp and moan and bite your lip. You steal some lube for yourself and reach out a hand towards him, tentative, trailing your fingers around his base, and he bucks towards you, slipping against your stomach, moving forward again and again. He's picked up a rhythm now that you try desperately to follow, getting close to a tipping point that you'll never be able to return from, and with a gasp you come, your body shaking with each wave. 

He follows you in a moment and collapses on top of you when he's finished, breathing shallowly into your ear. There's a sticky mess between your bodies that's soaking into your respective shirts but you can't bring yourself to care at the moment, basking in everything that is Sollux. You hear your phone buzz, distantly, in your pants on the ground, and you nudge Sollux's head with your own. 

"Hey," you say. "I gotta get up. Phone's buzzing."

"Ugh," he says, nuzzling your ear. "Priorities, man."

"Speaking of which," you say. "Are we still on for those tutoring sessions? I hear you're supposed to be really smart or something annoying like that."

"Well that's good for you," he chides, "because I hear you're supposed to be really dumb."

You bonk him in the head. "Goddamn smart people."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY OVER
> 
> And I still have five minutes before I have to start nanowrimo!
> 
> This chapter was far longer than I intended
> 
> please take up all your complaints about its utter silliness on my tumblr


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